What your drug of choice?
Mine was food when I was sad and the rest of the time a cocktail of alcohol, speed, cocaine, fantasy and to cope with the suicide Tuesday come down, Valium!
But I must say, I had so much fun.
And then there was the day the fun stopped, shit got extremely serious.
Let’s fast forward through the party times: same same but different lol, and we get to a place of my love for prescription drugs..So basically long story short Valium became a thing I could not live without, it became my main coping mechanism. Long story short, I was addicted to Valium.
It got so bad I had to partake in swallowing one before I could leave the house EVERY morning.
Sadly the panic attacks and anxiety were crippling, controlling my every moment. The drug use had caused a chemical imbalance in my brain. I had thoughts daily about killing myself, I even thought about killing others. I seriously dreamt they would come to take me away, put me into a straight jacket, throw me into a padded cell and feed me through a straw.
Being addicted to valium is crippling
It was crippling and soul destroying. The worst thing for me, I was a strong woman so why could I be controlled like this…. this actually messed with me more than anything and the embarrassment of people finding out. How had I let myself get to this point and why could I not stop it?
I even spent 6 weeks not venturing out into the big bad world, I was that messed up. Everyone thought I went to work, I got dressed up every morning, but I never left the house. During the weekends I would fake something so I didn’t have to leave the house.
My metal state had skyrocketed to a place of depression and I became a master at hiding it. No one knew! I lived my life in a state of fear, hiding from everyone. I always thought I was going to have a heart attack. That smell of burnt toast was only one more sniff away, the illusions within the mind went deep. The hot sweats were always present, my face would go so hot and red or at least it felt like it, my breath was uncontrollable. It felt like in any moment I could not take my next breathe. The only place I felt sort of safe and didn’t feel like running from was my home, it was my sanctuary.
I ended up becoming clinically depressed, I had a panic attack so bad I ended up in hospital, the fear grew and my mind got even more disturbed and delusionary. I lived my life in fear of flight and the only way to cope was half a Valium for breakfast and one for my afternoon snack. Sad but true, I had gone from one addiction to another but this for me was my only survival mode!
Good old doc, she prescribed me 100 at a time, I would go around different stores to get the refills. Then a few months later I would lie to the doc and say i lost my repeat prescription. That’s another 100 coming my way! I had three doctors in different areas so I had it sorted!
But we are more powerful than we think we are
Why am I sharing all this? Simple, I know someone out there needs to know you can get to the other side of whatever you are going through without leaning on drugs or alcohol or any other coping mechanisms for that matter. We are the most powerful creatures and when we learn to look within ourselves everything we need to make us whole is right there.
Yeah okay great advise and you see I have done it but that does not help you, right.
Your choice of taking that one step forward and asking for help.
Right before NOW. You may or may not be ready this very moment. But I know one day you will remember how amazing you are and realise, like I did, that you wanted more from your incredible life you were gifted.
Don’t be another statistic through society pressures, love yourself that little bit more everyday, forgive yourself a lot, try and do something everyday to make you a better person in your mind, AND be brave! Reach out and ask someone for help. Mental illness is just that- an illness like any other. And the great news is, just like me you can overcome it and heal to a place of such beautiful understanding.
It is so funny, the doctor that prescribed me Valium in the first place is the one I reached out for help to. I told her the truth, it was the start of setting me free and I know by doing this I saved the next person she was about to open up that prescription book and subscribe a pill to.
She gave me the right help I needed. She pointed me where I needed to go and as always the rest is up to me. I was lead to the water and in my moment I decided to drink it.
Open those eyes to the beautiful possibility.
You are incredibility strong, don’t ever forget that. You are incredibly loved. Your future self is waiting for you to connect with them so you see the love inside of you that wants to be set free. It is okay what you are going through, it does not make you weak. In fact it makes you one of the strongest of people I know. Why? Because it is hard what you are going through. Look up, you are never alone. Open those eyes to the beautiful possibility.
I used to live in a state of taking each day at a time. My Mantra I repeated to myself constantly was “Every day in everyday I am getting better and better. Everyday in every way I am getting stronger and stronger”
You got this- just take one step forward to reconnecting with YOU.
I want you to know you are ALWAYS SAFE and you are ALWAYS LOVED and there is ALWAYS someone to help you in the next step of your evolution no matter where you are !
And you feel guilty and holding on to resentment for yourself, read this!
Love you my darling one