Was what felt like the worst thing that happened to you actually your greatest teacher?
I was born in New Zealand, in a town called Hamilton.
The story starts when my Mum fell pregnant with my brother and got married. Two years later, I came along. Mum always said she didn’t know if she wanted kids. But here we were and she loved and protected us fiercely. She was a true lion with her cubs. The day I was born, my birth father walked into the hospital and there being held in her arms was I, only but a few hours old. When my birth father spoke, my mother did not hear the words “Is that my baby girl?”. Instead, what she heard was: “I am leaving you, I can’t handle having two kids”! This ripped her and my world apart.
I could never understand why someone could do this! Why they could leave a huge piece of themselves behind and never look back?
I used to imagine the day he would come back into my life. I lived that fantasy out as a child, play-acting what I would do. But always, in the end, I’d be brought to tears with the reality of it never being fulfilled. The little girl inside slowly died. Her dream never coming true. Then, one day I just stopped hoping, caring – that was the day the hatred grew and the stories around men began. The reflection to abandonment with every man in my life started.
My programming and pattern around men began.
Programming: They always leave, they never stick around especially when it gets tough!
Pattern: When I felt them leaving, I would beat them to it, push them away, just so I could say “See they always leave”! (This became my coping mechanism; this was my self-worth limit to being loved! Only let people in just enough, but never fully, no point!)
Lesson: I now realize the only person I was hurting was myself. I held onto so much hurt and anger towards my birth father, I let it fester for so long that the impact on my life were deep wounds of abandonment that I allowed to rule me. My self-worth and how I deserve to be loved is not reflected by one person’s impact on me. The only person who defines what I am worth and how I deserve to be loved is ME.
THE MOMENT HAPPENED THAT I REALISED BY HOLDING THIS, I WAS ONLY HURTING MYSELF!
It was time to stop blaming things in my past and allowing them to rule my future!
I had given away MY power!
I had given away MY right to be loved!
So fast forward to six years ago when I uncovered this programming and my lovely (sarcasm) pattern – I went to work to break it down. I did a lot of forgiveness on my birth father and on myself!
I had always hated him for leaving us. My abandonment ran deep within my soul. But what I realized when I uncovered the underlining subconscious belief was, he taught me one of the biggest lessons in life.
I realized I had been playing the victim of a story in my mind. One that had gotten so big it had forced me to give away my power.
I stopped and I allowed myself to forgive the past, to forgive
myself for allowing that little girl to be hurt so badly.
My ego kicked and screamed: “He is an arsehole! Why are you forgiving him?”
But the deep truth living in that story of resentment and hatred only caused ME pain.
It was time to make peace with this part of my past and take back my power.
Just after this, I met my soulmate. I was ready to recover him and embody the true essence of allowing myself to be loved by a man. I won’t lie – he endured a lot at the start. The beautiful thing was I told him of my past patterns and HE WAS READY; he never let me go. He never stopped believing, never stopped holding me so I could grow and so I could mold into this strong powerful woman who has a heart so open to love it bubbles with excitement. I know unconditionally I am safe. He always held me with total understanding and sometimes he understood me more than I did myself. He accepted me. I finally knew what it was to be loved!
This has helped me to become a stronger leader in my life and help others more deeply from a place of love, awareness and deeper understanding.
It has allowed me to see things from every perspective and understand the meaning of true forgiveness and the deepest type of love. This experience has allowed me to not ever judge anyone for where they are or what they are going through, but instead to guide and support them with the understanding of a true mentor, one who has done the work.
We are all living in this world and doing the best we can with what we have been given, including my birth father. The rest is up to us to create what we deserve.
With this awareness, I have been gifted to step deeper into the powerful teacher I have become – a better leader and mentor with unconditional love deep within me, and most of all, become a committed, loving wife who knows she deserves to be loved and receives it with open arms.
This was one of my greatest teachers in taking control of my life and realizing my worthiness to be loved!
So, who do you need to forgive today to feel free?
What gifts/lessons could you uncover by letting your “past” become your powerful teacher?
I have done the work and walked the long lonely path behind me in order to lead you to the state of true freedom and love that comes from forgiveness. There is no better time than now to seek help and I am grateful to be of assistance to any beautiful souls on this journey.