How I let go of past sexual trauma through spirituality
freeing myself


I was in my bed last night, and it happened again!

I have a recurring dream that I am in bed asleep, lying on my back, and someone climbs on top of me. My arms are grabbed and raised above my head, and I am pinned down. Their legs are between mine, and I am helpless, paralysed; I cannot move, breathe, speak. I never see the face, but I feel their darkness.

I feel his anger. It is a man. When this first started over 25 years ago, it started with him just standing by the side of my bed looking down on me, but as the years have passed, it has got scarier, more confronting, more aggressive and undoubtedly more emotional.

For years I just froze, I could not move, I could not scream, no words were uttered. I would wake up crying, scared and confused. I use to think I was in a movie, and I would in my head be screaming, fight say something you stupid bitch, fight, make it stop. But I never could! I felt weak and scared, alone and frightened.

You see, this had actually played out for real in my life a few times.

I had someone break into my house. I woke to them standing above me. I lay there looking at them. I opened my mouth, and nothing came out. It was only for 30 seconds he stood there, but it felt like a lifetime. I froze. I held my breath. Then when I was sexually tampered with so many years ago, I would just lie there, no words would come, just tears running down my face, as I waited for it to be over for him to leave. My voice was silenced, my heart was closing, and I could feel my spirit leaving me. Another mask was but on to hide the fear!

When I surrendered my addictions nine years ago, I started to mend my soul and understand the depths of my mind. I remember having that dream about a year into it and the first time it changed. It was a small step, but I uttered some words, I said stop. It scared me more than not speaking, but I knew at that moment I had taken back my power; this was me stepping into my strength, my worthiness. That night was the night I knew I would make it; everything was going to be okay. I would not be the person. I was but someone I could look up to and be proud of. My past was not going to define my future.

I have not had the dream for a while, then last night it came back.

In the depth of my dream consciousness, there he was, climbing on top of me. I took myself out of my body and watched it taking place. I felt and saw my fear, I allowed my fear, I spoke to my anxiety in the depths of my soul, I respected the fear, and I knew it was here for a purpose, as was this dream. I moved back into my body where I lent into the fear; I was not scared; I felt my strength come through, ignite; that fear is my most influential teacher. I felt the choice in my next breath. For the first time, I looked him in the face. I saw his eyes and I told him to get off. I yelled at him to stop! I laugh now at the look of shock in his eyes. I saw his fear, and I knew I had reclaimed back what was mine. Then I lent more into the fear even more and pushed him off. I chased him, screaming at him NO MORE, ENOUGH!

I then remember him coming back into the room, and all I heard was, “I am sorry”. It was like he had been trapped, I actually felt his sorrow, and I sent him love. I believe I will never have him revisit me. I believe he was an entity trapped here. I think I danced with the fear that has been trapped in me for years released him to where he needs to go, no longer trapped within my soul. I respected the fear in all its uncomfortable glory.

The sweet spot of surrender again lights my soul

Such happy tears fall as I share this, so honoured to have you witness it as you read my words and feel into my happiness. This no longer has control, and my wish is for you to let go and allow what you fear most to be your teachers.

When I sat in Auyawasha, I got told fear was one of my most influential teachers and what I was here to help people with. I understand the message of my dream. Fear is not to be scared. In fact, it is to be embraced. Fear could even be used as your superpower if you allow it. Fear is the same initial feeling as excitement. It just depends on what we choose to ignite it with from there. Fear is a misunderstood emotion. When you can lean into it with no attachment but the eager willingness to understand it, then your power becomes united with the energy of the fear, and I, for one, can say that power holds your most profound expansion towards your evolution.

When fear comes in, I now move into a curious state of consciousness. I feel into it; I actually ask it a question “Is this here to guide me or help me.” To help means I do not do it. To guide means yes, lean into it, baby, you got this.

Sending love, and I hope somehow, as always, I have helped by sharing my story.

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