THE DAY I FOUND OUT I COULD NOT HAVE KIDS CRUSHED ME INTO A DEPRESSION AND IT ENDED UP BEING A SURPRISING GIFT.
A gift not to have kids?
Am I mad?
Short answer “YES”! When I was sitting in that chair and the doctor said it was a hysterectomy or cancer spreading, I realized it was a no-brainier, but it ripped me in half… literally!
I had fibroids that grew so big I bled for over a year NON_STOP. I had so many blood transfusions I cannot even remember. They tried so many drugs on me, I lost count of how many I was taking. My life went on hold for that time for over a year as we tried every medication available to try and reduce them, to give me back a normal life, to stop the bleeding. I remember it being just horrible.
On the day I visited my specialist, he said there was a detection of cancerous cells and I needed to make some big life decisions. I remember sitting in the surgeon’s room after he gave me the low-down with tears streaming down my cheeks. It was all too much – why was this happening to me? This was the day I thought I would never be a Mum!
All the planets programming about what women should do came flooding at me…
- Women are here to have kids…
- Women’s primary job is to give birth…
- Women say when they give birth this is the best day of their life and when they had a child, they were whole…
- Women say you are not complete until you give birth…
- Women should get married, buy a house and have children…
- Women’s job is to breed…
I could go on, but you get the drift.
Oh, I went into a deep depression. Less than a month later, I had my hysterectomy. They had to move fast! Here I was, a girl in her early twenties, having something so sacred and special taken away. So what was I if I could not have children? Add salt to the wound, my partner at the time left me as he wanted kids. My world started to crumble.
I could never even pick up a baby or look at one for so long after that, even a glance brought back so much pain. I spent so much time hiding away and crying so people could not see all my pain. I found shopping malls were the worst!! I got sick of “So, when are you having kids?”, I nearly wanted to smack people in the face! I didn’t know how to process any of my emotions. I never felt complete, I always felt like I was missing something. My feminine connection was lost, to cope I lived 90% in my masculine.
My coping mechanism for about 20 years was to avoid it all. All the emotions, all the feelings, my beautiful feminine flow. So I had left the trauma trapped in my body. I ignored all emotional pain and I just keep pushing it down, deeper and deeper until the more lost that part of me became. I had got rid of one disease and replaced it with another. Oh, and my mind! Wow, how fucked up that was! But ignoring it was easy, numbing the pain with self-abuse was easier because at least I had something to blame that I could physically see and understand!
So fast forward to now.
Not long ago, I opened this wound up and I let it all out. The domino reaction that followed was something of total awe and crippling awareness. The thing I realized is: I am still whole with or without a child. The feminine beautiful and divine Goddess I am IS pure love. I am full and an external thing does not complete me. I do.
My feminine wound was deep. Because of years of ignoring that scared part of me, I didn’t know how to be all girly. Shit, I lived in jeans and a sweatshirt most of my life hanging out with my bros, not sisters. Girls irritated me when they went into the feminine girly zone. I hated shopping, skincare, pampering myself, nails and makeup OMFG no thanks.
Not having kids was a gift in a lot of ways. I am Aunty to so many and that fills my cup. I poured all my nurturing into my business, the ones I love, and realized I don’t need a child to complete me – I am the only one that can do that. I have now divinely embodied the feminine goddess I am after years of reconnecting. Man, what fun and beauty I missed out on. The trauma is gone. The disease is no longer present within me. My deepest realizations are so simple yet what kept me paralyzed for so many years! I don’t need to have a child to be a complete woman. I am everything I will ever need. I am enough. I always have been enough and I always will be!
PLUS, BEING A GIRLY GIRL IS ACTUALLY FUN!
I get to pour my love so deep and wide into my soul work. My baby is my business. I used too long for a baby of my own most of my life, but I have a different Mother role in life, which is to help women fully embody the most sacred feminine beauty they are and rise into the fun embodiment of who they are with total connection to themselves in all their glory and power! I help them to love themselves euphorically just the way they are. I get to help them release trauma and past programming that is trapped within them. I get to watch them blossom into the most magical divine creatures they are, every inch of themselves. It is like watching someone grow upon a whole different way. The blossom of the divine feminine is one to be in awe with when you see the true connection. The awareness, the captivating beauty of a woman awakening to herself is like nothing else. Pure love and light!
Also, think about it, no periods for over 15 years, good to go 24/7 if you know what I mean. I won’t have menopause! I get to sleep in whenever I want and I have unbelievable flexibility to make a decision based on just me and hubby… hey, everything has a yin and yang, right?! I get to fill my cup with babysitting and give them back after spoiling them rotten… SORTED!
I DO MY OWN MUMMY WORK AND I LOVE IT!
This is my path and I embrace every piece of it with unconditional love and connection to who I am!
NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOU NEED SOMETHING EXTERNALLY TO COMPLETE YOU – YOU ONLY NEED YOU AND YOUR DIVINE FULL CONNECTION TO YOURSELF!