If I didn’t spend the weekend getting drunk and drugged up, it was not a weekend well spent.
My main priority in life was partying and being the life of that party. This was the only time I felt like I belonged, I thought I was liked and accepted. I built my whole personality around it. If others liked me, I felt safe. I lived within the mask of who they needed me to be.
Every weekend I would lose myself in the disillusioned world I lived in along with this version of me.
I had created a life where I needed to be a certain person and do certain things in order to belong and be accepted. Yep, drugs and alcohol to feel cool and numb that pain. It was my weekend propriety! My weekend friends became my family and 90% of them I didn’t hang out with during the week, so it became like an image I had to maintain. It was fun when I partied, so I thought that using alcohol and drugs was the only way I knew how to be this person.
Let’s be honest, our primary fear in this world is not to belong! So to belong I became a version of myself that I hated; one when I looked in that mirror, I didn’t understand who was starring back at me.
Unfortunately, soon it became not just a weekend thing and flowed into my working week. The anxiety hit and so did the panic attacks!
By Tuesday, I needed a hit. Then Wednesday and Thursday, just a little more to keep that smile on my face and be the bubbly person others loved. Then YEAY it was Friday and I would do it ALL again. Don’t get me wrong, I had some bloody fun times and I would not change a thing!
BUT then came the other addictions to numb the pain, an addict always needs more! So buying the latest next best thing made me fee like l I fit in. Spending money on materialistic things to fill the voids, working 80 hours a week to occupy the mind, eating food to fill the emotional void, then starving myself in the weekend to fit that dress just so I looked the right way, watching TV to numb the mind every night and not have to listen to the voices in my head… naturally with a bottle of wine😈
Then roll on the weekend and it was on continuous rinse and repeat.
This was my life. This was how I survived.
In thinking about it, my priority was not to party, it was doing whatever I could to numb the emotional and physical pain. I avoided what I didn’t want to confront. That deep past emotional trauma trapped in my body, the hurt from feeling unloved through years of abandonment and physically hating myself. The disillusion to feeling I was living someone else’s life.
I realized I had created so many stories to not confront what I needed to. I had totally disconnected from ME! It was actually never about anyone else – it was always about me!
When you blame anything outside of you for your current circumstances, you are living in total victimhood!
I had been a victim all my life. It was time to own my shit, stand up and become what I was born to be. What had happened to me in my life was not my fault, but how I was choosing to live it was.
SO WHO WAS I AND WHERE DID I FIT IN?
I brought EVERYTHING to the surface over the next six-plus years. I dealt with the SHAME, BLAME, and GUILT I had gathered into a comfortable place within me that had layers wrapped around it to hide so deep in my subconscious mind because I never wanted it found. I confronted my mind and started unwrapping the childhood programming that had been instilled in me. I looked at the stories I constantly told myself to mask the fear. I looked at the neglect of my body from myself and the total lack of self-love. I had succumbed to a lot in the world I had created just to survive. AND I LOOKED AT IT ALL!
My new standards for my life are simple.
I love myself with every fiber I have. I live in a state of honoring who I am and doing what makes my body, mind, and soul shift into a better version of the true me who I can be with no layers of protection to mask my light. I am safe and I am okay to be fully seen. I am authentically, unapologetically, soulfully, me. And that person fucken rocks and deserves anything she desires👸✅
If I may give you, who is in a place of seeking or masking, just one bit of advice: with kindness and forgiveness, confront who you are. Take the time to unravel the mystery of the divine being that is you. Life is a journey to awakening, not a race to get to the destination. Learn to love yourself one day at a time and the rest will unfold in the perfect time it is meant to.